My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
