You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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