You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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