i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
