I'm eating all of the evidence.
he puts the penis in happiness.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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