need another drink. this is the easiest way
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize