I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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