I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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