Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
