Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize