I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
my shit smells like andre
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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