it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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