He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
cat food counts as protein by the way
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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