Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
