home. puking in laundry basket.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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