this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
