remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
