Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
