I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
