just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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