So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
