my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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