They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
