Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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