So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
