I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
