Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize