Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
