oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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