I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
