I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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