someone threw a dead crab at me
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My pussy is not your playground.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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