Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
