I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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