i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
