Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
