Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
