kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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