ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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