How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
