Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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