New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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