Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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