rhymes with "ouble enetration"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
