she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
