Do you still have your period?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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