Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
