I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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