My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
