I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
