Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
