The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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