If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
