hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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