paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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