I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
