Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
