All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
