I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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