just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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