Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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