I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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